Published:
NEW YORK—Insisting your fate was sealed the moment you clicked the link, a report released Tuesday found that you will be fired for reading this headline about Charlie Kirk. “Shortly after you navigated to this article, your IP address was logged and your supervisor approved the decision to remove you from your position,” the report read in part, revealing that the choice had been made after a brief conversation among your superiors in which it was repeatedly emphasized that your behavior in loading this page and spending nearly two minutes reading its content about the late Turning Point USA co-founder was an action inappropriate for the moment. “Your home address and phone number have been leaked to a large online database that has in turn been shared among activists who want to identify all those who err in their reading choices. There’s no use trying to click out of this tab now. Pack up your desk. The damage has already been done.” The report concluded that if you shared this article with a friend or family member, you should prepare yourself to be arrested on domestic terrorism charges.
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