POLITICAL commentators have begun to talk seriously about Keir Starmer being forced out. And there’s another leader who had a difficult, protracted downfall: Hitler. So how do they compare?
Dramatic value
Hitler’s last days are a gripping tale of hubris with the Red Army getting closer by the hour. Starmer’s last days will be a dull vote of no-confidence by Labour MPs terrified of losing their seats and generous expenses. Don’t look out for loads of enjoyably trashy History Channel documentaries claiming he escaped to Argentina/Antarctica/the Moon.
Winner: Hitler
Bunker
The Führerbunker was dark, claustrophobic, sparsely furnished and probably stank of diesel fumes from the generators. Starmer’s metaphorical bunker in Downing Street is a lovely Georgian town house. Someone less boring could have great fun pretending to be a character in Downton Abbey in it.
Winner: Starmer
Sex appeal
Judging by the film Downfall, the last members of the most evil regime in history were pretty good-looking. There’s handsome baldie medic Christian Berkel and beautiful nurse Elizaveta Boyarskaya; Bruno Ganz’s Hitler looks a bit rough, but most of the other bunker residents are easy on the eye. Surrounding Starmer as doom approaches are colleagues like plain head girl Rachel Reeves, human ghoul Pat McFadden, goon-faced Hilary Benn and Billy Bunteresque twat Wes Streeting. No contest.
Winner: Hitler
Charisma
Let’s not automatically buy into the idea of Hitler the hypnotic orator: some Germans thought he was a shrieky wanker, and speaking in German is just more epic than English. Nonetheless, Hitler was the figurehead the Nazis needed at the time and you can’t accuse him of lacking ambition. By contrast Starmer is often called a ‘technocrat’, but ‘humourless office manager’ seems closer to the mark. You can easily imagine him sending an email saying that if staff wish to bring in cakes and donuts on Friday they must be consumed outside office hours.
Winner: Hitler
Deserved comeuppance
Hitler caused untold suffering, but he was pretty open about his antisemitism, expansionist ambitions and contempt for the Treaty of Versailles. Starmer promised specific policies like ending the two-child benefit cap and gave the more general impression he’d be a sensible centre-left PM. Instead we got an unconvincing flag-shagger with policies indistinguishable from Thatcherism. Lying is wrong, so Sir Keir deserves his comeuppance more than Adolf.
Winner: Starmer
Meme potential
The Downfall meme of Hitler going ballistic as he learns that Steiner’s counterattack did not take place was an internet phenomenon, and has been used to mock everything from Windows 7 to Ryanair. It’s hard to imagine anyone dubbing over BBC footage of Starmer’s final hours in Downing Street as he says goodbye to domestic staff with all the warmth of a robot vacuum cleaner.
Winner: Hitler
Conclusion
It’s clear that Hitler is better than Starmer. Sir Keir could try to inject some excitement into his demise by ordering the construction of a series of doomed Wunderwaffe or looking increasingly strung-out on amphetamines, but it’s more likely he’ll quietly disappear without anyone caring much. When was the last time you thought about Rishi Sunak?
