In a befuddling story emerging from Queens, NY, 25-year-old Patty Garcia is so unfamiliar with positive political news that – following Zohran Mamdani’s triumph in the democratic mayoral primary – she threw her computer simply out of habit.
“I’ve been pulling for Zohran to win the primary and was completely shocked when the thing I wanted to happen actually happened,” Patty told reporters gathered at the scene. “Excitement was coursing through me, but I don’t think I have the neural pathways to process that sort of thing, because political excitement is rare for me. As a result, I just did what I always do and threw my computer at a wall.”
Patty’s computer did smash into four pieces before she realized what she had done, covered her mouth, and went, “Oh, fuck, wait!”
“Political news is just always bad, and there’s nothing that can make me feel better quite like absolutely chucking my computer,” she continued. “I didn’t need to throw my computer this time, though, because the news was positive. Silly me – Force of habit!”
Sources confirm Patty goes through an average of two computers every year, as she cannot stop smashing them upon hearing that another corrupt politician has been re-elected or another outrageous law has been passed.
“I obviously can’t buy MacBooks anymore, because it would bankrupt me,” she continued. “I get those computers for babies! You know, the ones that are mostly just plastic and colorful? This keeps it affordable, considering I hurl my computer at the wall once every six months.”
Patty is unsure how to conduct herself now that things are going well, considering things have never gone well before.
“How do people process positive news?” she continued. “Should I, like, go get a beer with friends? Maybe I’ll host a dinner party soon. This is all so crazy!”
As of press time, Patty watched Zohran’s triumphant victory speech and started tearing up with hope. She didn’t know how to process this emotional arc, either, so sources confirm she punched a hole in the drywall.
