Saturday, June 14 marks the 250th anniversary of the founding of the U.S. Army, which will be celebrated with a festival and military parade in Washington, D.C. The Onion examines the facts and figures behind the event.
12:
Repurposed Mastercard Pride floats
26%:
Likelihood tanks cave in city street and plunge into center of Earth
4:
Military stars being awarded to Kid Rock
200,000:
Attendees who just remembered parades are kind of boring to watch
833:
Tanks it takes to spell out HAPPY BIRTHDAY ARMY AND, COINCIDENTALLY, DONALD TRUMP
9:45 p.m.:
250 Years Of PTSD Fireworks Show
0:
Number Of JD Vances invited
15 to 20:
Sentencing range for protesting the parade peacefully
Priceless:
The smile on that sweet president’s face
