Sovereign’s Head Able To Breathe More In Sensible New Headgear
LONDON—Noting how the new headpiece was much better suited to his royal lifestyle, King Charles III announced Wednesday that he had switched out his 5-pound, solid-gold crown for a more comfortable silicone one. “Unlike my old crown, this silicone one hugs my head perfectly without digging into my forehead or smushing down my hair,” said the British monarch, who enthusiastically demonstrated how much stretch the pink, rubberlike polymer could withstand without losing its shape. “You would think it would make my skin all sweaty, but it’s actually a porous material, so I find it quite breathable. It’s so comfortable, in fact, that I’ve actually fallen asleep in it several times. Plus, I don’t have to worry about losing a precious centuries-old heirloom with more than 400 gemstones on it—this new one came in a convenient three-pack.” Charles went on to say that he knew it was time to make the switch when his mother, Queen Elizabeth II, got the crown stuck in heavy machinery and had her head ripped off.
Like A Vitamin You Ingest With Your Eyes. Get The Onion Newsletter.
“*” indicates required fields
