Honey, the 27 years that we have been married have been the happiest of my life. You have been a wonderful partner, a compassionate lover, and a wonderful mother to our three beautiful children. That’s why it’s so painful for me to tell you that I’ve been watching a lot of SpongeBob SquarePants, and it has convinced me that we need to get a divorce. This was not an easy decision, and it took a few particularly impactful episodes of SpongeBob to help me come to this realization. Here are five episodes of SpongeBob SquarePants that convinced me to leave.
1. Chocolate With Nuts
This is one of the scariest episodes of SpongeBob I’ve ever seen. It’s about how SpongeBob and Patrick try to sell chocolate door-to-door, but they keep getting chased by a guy who screams at them. Watching SpongeBob and Patrick get chased all over Bikini Bottom made me realize that I could get murdered at any time by some lunatic. Life is short, and there’s so much I still want to do before a chocolate-obsessed maniac tears me to pieces on the street. I need to make some changes right away, and, sadly, that means our marriage must come to an end.
2. Rock Bottom
Watching this episode made me realize that our marriage was a lot like the bus station in the town of Rock Bottom: dark, confusing, and full of sexual energy but lacking in emotional fulfillment. Sometimes when we talk to each other, I feel the way SpongeBob did when he needed to use a Rock Bottom accent just to get his words across—I feel like I’m shouting at the top of my lungs, but you still can’t hear what I’m saying. I will always cherish our time together, but our marriage has become a joyless bus station that I need to escape, just like SpongeBob.
3. Tea At The Treedome
Honey, as you no doubt recall, this is the episode where SpongeBob visits Sandy the squirrel in her undersea habitat. Sandy is not a human, but I still find her beautiful. I want to have sex with her, or at least have sex with a human that reminds me of her. I know it is against the law for married people to have sex with people they aren’t married to, so that’s why I need to get a divorce. I need to be able to have sex with Sandy or her human equivalent without worrying about going to prison.
4. Shanghaied
I know I don’t need to remind you that this is the episode where SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward get kidnapped by the ghostly sailor known as The Flying Dutchman and are forced to serve as crew members aboard his ship. This episode made me realize that I’m 59 years old and I’ve never seen a real ghost. I think a big reason for this is because you are scaring the ghosts away from our house with your yoga and your work-from-home job. I know it’s also partly my fault that I’ve never seen a ghost. Neither of us is blameless in this. I could have spent more time visiting haunted houses. That’s on me. But at this point assigning blame won’t solve anything. Our marriage is over, and SpongeBob helped me realize that in order for me to prioritize meeting a ghost, we need to start a new life apart.
5. Artist Unknown
This is the episode where SpongeBob joins Squidward’s art class. It made me realize I also want to take an art class. I don’t know if I need to be divorced in order to sign up for an art class, but I want to get divorced anyway just in case that ends up being a requirement. I’m sorry things have to end this way. I suppose we can take comfort in knowing that there are countless couples like us who have ended their marriages because of the lessons they learned while watching SpongeBob SquarePants.
