In a developing story coming out of Cincinnati, OH, 28-year-old Alma Mackenzie recently experienced a bowel movement so good that it changed the entire trajectory of her life.
“After that bowel movement, I broke up with my evil boyfriend and almost immediately met the love of my life,” Alma told reporters. “He’s rich but not too rich.”
Alma said that she left the bathroom feeling refreshed, relaxed, and excited about life in a way she hadn’t experienced since she was a child.
“That bowel movement was so good I finally found the energy to apply to my dream job,” she said. “And guess what? I got it!”
In addition to joy, Alma added that this bowel movement was so good it even changed her belief systems.
“Suddenly I know all the tenets of the Communist Manifesto even though I’ve never read it before?” she said, adding that, “before I walked into that bathroom, I was a staunch atheist. But now? Now, I’ve seen the face of god…and it’s my own.”
Alma said she can’t believe this is how people with normally-functioning digestive systems feel all the time.
“So this is what joy feels like,” she said. “I feel like I’ve been living my whole life with blinders on until now.”
When asked to explain what exactly the experience felt like, Alma said, “I had a series of earth-shattering revelations akin to doing shrooms for the first time.”
She continued, adding, “I’m not a scientist but I think that BM made me not depressed anymore.”
Beyond just inspiring her to advocate for herself, Alma told reporters that after her satisfying bowel movement, she realized she wanted to be an artist, understood that she and trees share a soul, and saw the ghost of her dead grandmother and she told her she was proud of her.
As of press time, Alma had been derailed by a particularly bad bowel movement, losing any progress she had gained since the last one.
“Life is funny like that,” she said. “One day, you’re on top of the world and the next your tummy hurts but nothing is coming out.”
