In a dire story emerging from Los Angeles, CA, 28-year-old Maia Beauford is in desperate need of a therapist who can go beyond the typical techniques of cognitive behavioral therapy and instead just slap the shit out of her.
“I’ve been in therapy for a few years, so I’m well aware of the destructive patterns I’ve been repeating,” Maia told reporters gathered at the scene. “It’s not enough to know. I need something more. I need my therapist to slap me across the face.”
Sources confirm Maia is very good at intellectualizing her emotions and thinking her way out of any negative feeling, but this has only led to a deeper issue where she constantly recognizes destructive thought patterns but is still unable to break them. According to Maia, this is where the slap will come in.
“Take my most recent problem, for example,” she continued. “I’m really into this guy, but he refuses to commit. I know I should leave him and search for a relationship with someone who wants the same things I want. I know that. But I still don’t do it. I need my therapist to stop this destructive downward spiral by hitting me in the face.”
Maia’s therapist, 56-year-old Felicia Lee, agrees that this would likely be enough of a shock to the system that it would snap Maia out of her typical thought patterns, but the issue of “ethical practices” is the only thing standing in the way.
“Look, I want to slap her as much as the next person, perhaps even more,” Felicia told reporters. “I’m just not allowed to do it. Hearing her talk about how much she hates her career in marketing and just wants to be a full-time painter for the past three years has been infuriating. I would love to hit her really quickly across the face just once and yell, ‘QUIT!’ The sad thing is, therapists aren’t allowed to slap their clients the way they used to.”
Reporters confirm therapists have never been allowed to slap their patients, so it’s unclear what past Felicia is referencing.
“I know where I need to change, but I still need a push to actually do it, you know?” Maia continued. “Sorry, not a ‘push.’ More like a punch.”
As of press time, Maia had settled on a middle ground wherein her therapist would not technically slap her, but would have her permission to make a motion as if she were slapping her. Maia told reporters she’s hopeful this will be embarrassing enough that it will force her to take a long, hard look in the mirror and change her ways.
